Early in the morning

1. Coroner:: Senka's phase
   
2. Mystify:: Charm
   
3. Corroborate:: Arguments
   
4. Misinterpret:: My words
   
5. Humorless:: War
   
6. Calculus:: IB
   
7. Eye for an eye:: An infinite moment
   
8. CPR:: Charley @ FirstAid
   
9. Stitched:: Bruised
   
10. Facility:: Gym
    

fragmented

Nothing seems to be 'absolute' anymore...was it ever? I suppose; or perhaps it was so well disguised, that it didn't matter all that much. Not anymore though. I feel as though everything from my thoughts, to my friends and family, to academia, and even my life in general is so scattered, that I stand at a crossroads of a thousand intersections, not knowing which to pick. I still know my destination, but the direction I need to take seems to have blurred itself.

MaHiE speaks of "merely existing" in London...and i can concur, sadly enough. It feels as though our lives are controlled by some outside force, that's not 'gOd' and not quite one specific human (i.e. boss) either. It feels as though work is taking over, yet procrastination results from only working too hard and playing too little. The balance I once could safely depend upon between work and play, family and friends, lacks these days. As a LiBrA, this is more problematic then it seems because there is the factor of "choice" that must be implremented, in order for me to get out of this mess. And it is SO clear by now that choices are not something I enjoy making. So, that's to be done? Shall is sit back and just "exist"? Can I do anything about this 'state'?

Now the optimist in me would say "get up of your lazy ass and do something about it; no one will bring you flowers....you must plant them for yourself." Yet something is pulling me back. What is it?
LSE? -Not really, it just adds onto the misery because I know I'm not enjoying it as much as I should be..
Friends? - Nope, as without those, I wouldn't be here anymore. However, there is something about my friendships in London that bothers me (and not just slightly). I don't have a distint group of people I can hang out with at the same time. There's always something I have to forego, someone I have to disappoint. "Torn" would be my theme song in this therapy session, as no tangable sense of communion is to be found. I feel as though I merely hang out with people I like...does this make us friends? Not really; it makes us 'buddies' (as much as i hate that term). How much do i have in common with some of them? Not much- i like them for being individuals and knowning who they are. I can probably count the number of people I can truely call friends in one hand...and perhaps not even fill it. The rest are people I appreciate, but have no time to get to know; or if i have gotten to know them already, then it's a matter of not having enough in common to honestly call what we have a 'close' friendship. I am lucky though, for one handfull of gold is always better then a bagfull of fluff.
Family- Yes, but we've already discussed this.
"Him"- or the missing element, yes perhaps. Miraculously enough though: HiM is no longer the one I LoVeD (notice the "D")...it is the general lack of interest in anyone. It is the fact that i have no time or energy to take anything seriously. Am i interested in anyone? Perhaps, but i cant do anything about it...why? fear of loss. Probably the reason why i don't behave like myself these days anymore. I dunno. I guess it's got something to do with the "phase". There are far too many complicated relationships as it is; in the case of HiM, there's no new 'simple' game to play.
London- YES. My-so-called-life here is something that even I can't define. I go through each and every day 'living' under the control of my aGenDa; skipping from meeting to class to meeting to lecture to gym to meeting to home (to party). My friends elsewhere ask me what i do in my spare time, and i ask: "what spare time?" As Mahie already pointed out: every minute spent of "spare time" feels like a galloon of guilt spilt over my head. Am i a workoholic? I don't think so...it's not that i enjoy doing that much work; it's that i must. I want to escape... where? to a place I can call home (which is inexistant) or a sanctuary where the weather permits me to sit in front of the waves and ponder (this means that the weather conditions permit such a state of nirvana); or play cards on that same beach with those i treasure most...some of whom just dont know how essential they are.

I really think that it's the weather.

My FrIeNdS RuLe

Mahie's (DJ) skills are something one must witness & with the help of 2 bOyS who RuLe, this might actually happen. Chick, u RoOocK!!

WhY mE?

What is it about me that fails to make friendships with guys just friendships lately? It seems as though nearly every guy (with the exception of the obvious) I've made friends with since I came to London has at one point or another misunderstood my friendliness. Friendliness does not equal flirtation....how clearly must i spell it out? And if i'm not myself (friendly), then it is understood as bitchiness. So, is it my fault that perhaps the line between flirtation and mere friendliness is more blurry to some then to others? No, goddamit!!

Every time I notice any kind of attempts coming from a "friend", I pretend as though it's nothing (i.e. i ignore it), yet the more i ignore it, the more blatant they become. Do they not know me enough to notice when i am not showing interest, or does the testosterone kick in and they just block out the fact that we're first and foremost friends? Or is it that perhaps we're first and foremost man and woman, and then everything else? I am beginning to feel as though it's my fault...as though i lead them on, but it's hard to understand when to stop. I'm used to being a part of "the guys" with my friends from childhood, so this whole making something "more" happen with guy friends has never been an issue i ever even thought about. Do i have to start now? When have we stopped being children and allowed the "real" world to swallow us? It feels as though I need to put on a veil of aloofness around some of "them"...it's a mine field out there.

Last one, I promise...for today. ;-)

So now it turns out that my passions should have become my job, and that it will never work the other way around. Oh well.

Your Dominant Intelligence is Spatial Intelligence

You've got a good sense of space and how the world around you looks. You can close your eyes and "see" images. You have innate artistic talent. An eye for color and shapes, you're also a natural designer. Since you think in pictures, visual aids and demonstartions help you learn best. You would make a good navigator, sculptor, visual artist, inventor, architect, interior designer, or engineer.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

Oh, i really should be doing my work!!

And here is yet another one of these things...why is it that these damn psychological tests always tell you something that you must question seriously?!

You Have A Type A- Personality

A- You are one of the most balanced people around Motivated and focused, you are good at getting what you want You rule at success, but success doesn't rule you. When it's playtime, you really know how to kick back Whether it's hanging out with friends or doing something you love! You live life to the fullest - encorporating the best of both worlds

Do You Have a Type A Personality?

Oh boy.

You Are 31 Years Old

31 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Tis odd how a whole month has passed since i last shared my thoughts, yet so little has happened. It appears as though i've reached the ultimate peak of 'misery'- yet i feel so content most of the time. Is it that i am in denial of some sort, or has the monotony of my life become a lifestyle, rather then a phase?

Until now I have always simply assumed that winter is not "my time"; that as soon as the temperatures hit anything above 15 degrees, my will to life and adventure will awaken, as if from a long wintersleep. But right now we're only in January, and the thought that hot days and warm nights are a whole February (hell), March and April away, destroys all desire to continue in false livelihood. I long for a warmer life, when i can be myself- not the cold, uninspired and indefferent person that I am witnessing myself become. By life i mean the world around me, not just my condition on Earth.

Do i miss Nice? Yes. Why? Because "you don't know what you've got til its gone"...
Do i miss what it has become? No. I no longer have a home there. In fact, pretty soon, I'll feel myself transform into an official nomad, and i don't care for that, thankyouverymuch. I want to have a home to go to when i leave London (the place I will never allude to as a home, but merely as a place of "constant" residence) ....and no mom, prividing me with a flat in Belgrade will not fill the empty hole. The traditions that we gave up on, after so many movings, packings, unpackings, are what I miss. When was the last time we had a *normal* (normal is such an overstated concept, but still) life? Perhaps when we still lived in Belgrade, or in the house in Vienna, or maybe even the flat. It defnietely became 'out of the ordinairy' in Nice, when our family first split into two- by Marko moving next door; and then into three- by me moving following him. It doesn't matter that the whole floor was ours, as it is irrelevant that the hotel is "ours". These was never any sense of a home atmosphere in either of those. And why? Because a sense of communion is needed in order for someone to call a house a home. Being together 24/7 is not a stimulant to a sense of belonging...being apart is. You need to be away from someone in order to miss them, so perhaps it is the fact that for once since we left Belgrade, life in Nice was the perfect opposrtunity for us to live as a "normal" family, with dad not being away for 2 out of 4 weeks i na month. Yet, this goal was a failure from the start, since it is impossible to make up for the absence of someone in the past, by trying to saturate the present with their presence. Being together all the time did no one too much good. THAT is the reason why it's not working out now and it is what needs to be changed when you, mom and dad, decide to *settle* somewhere for the final time. Do something with your lives- "God" knows, you deserve it.

What should I do out of my life? The first thought that springs to mind is move out of this place...leave forever to the one place I can call my sanctuary ~Brazil~. Practically though, if i had a choice of moving anywhere right now, it would be somewhere where the sun shines predominantly and I don't need to wear layers and layers of clothing, only to realize that the cold comes from within. The disdain of the misery found here, where people have the opportunity to have everything, is what makes me so cold. Happiness is relative; money is absolute. The two aren't always correlated. Yes, money is needed for the essentials, but what money can buy eternal sun in London? I guess I'll have to make enough of it either way, so as to continue my search for more answers.

Please *wOrLd* do not worry, for i am not in yet another state of depression. Well, not for now. What i would do without certain elements in life, is beyond me. Those elements being: the trust in finding the *right* way through destiny's labyrinth, my other half: MaRiJa, my camera to record memories which I might otherwise forget, true friends, and happiness...or the pursuit thereof.
It would be a lie to say that I am always happy, but the thought of being in this very state is enough to give me the strength to continue and a reason to respond with a "i'm great, my day is going well, thanx" to people when asked "how are you?"

Inspiration

1. Material world:: Capitalism
   
2. Satin sheets:: Wine Red color
   
3. Blizzard:: Zone 3
   
4. Real estate:: None that i own, much that i wish for to call home
   
5. Dress up:: Gala
   
6. Wesley:: Snipes
   
7. Robber:: Jewls
   
8. Saliva:: Eugh
   
9. Slave:: & Master
   
10. Shift:: Button