Adarol Call

I think that something might be wrong with me. No, not the usual: depression, anger, cluelessness. I can't seem to concentrate on anything, and what used to be a short attention span, is now in fact non existant. I sit down to write anything...be it an essay, an email, a random scribble, or even this, and i get bored after under 2 minutes. I physically have to force myself not to look away into the space, or at the pictures posted up behind me on my bedroom wall. I even re-arranged my room so that there are no pictures in front of me, so as to prevent "distraction". So, i've decided to go get tested for ADHD. For quite a while I was jokingly referring to my lack of patience for stupid people as a selective-ADD, but now i realise that it is possible i might actually have the real thing. I'm not that worried, just annoyed to have to admit to myself (and the rest of the world) that my brain hasn't been working properly for the past two years, and i just chose to ignore it, thinking that i'm just too stupid, and perhaps an impostor at lse. Looking back, i realise that i did and am doing quite well, considering how little reading i've managed to get done properly. So, in a sense, if i have the damn disorder, i might actually feel a little better about myself. Maybe i'm not a total failure afterall. But what if i'm merely excusing myself for not doing work? I don't know...it's all happening too quickly. I barely find the time to do the small, annoying everyday duties, let alone the tasks i really should be focusing on, like my dissertation, to name one.

My brain seems to be on an autopilot mode that has taken over, and now doesn't want to give the control back to me. Sometimes I go through an entire day as though i were hungover, or just braindead overall. I really wish i could have those thoughts i used to have before. I really wish i could converse with myself and have internal debates. But no, instead i spend hours facebooking (for those of you who are unaware of the newest fast-spreading procrastination virus, it's called Facebook, and no matter how hard you try to hide, it will find you soon), looking at my photos, checking random thins on the internet, walking around, etc, etc.

I'm sorry if i recently hung up on you because i got bored. I'm seeing the doctor tomorrow, i promise. Perhaps Adarol might not be such a stupid idea.