Tis odd how a whole month has passed since i last shared my thoughts, yet so little has happened. It appears as though i've reached the ultimate peak of 'misery'- yet i feel so content most of the time. Is it that i am in denial of some sort, or has the monotony of my life become a lifestyle, rather then a phase?
Until now I have always simply assumed that winter is not "my time"; that as soon as the temperatures hit anything above 15 degrees, my will to life and adventure will awaken, as if from a long wintersleep. But right now we're only in January, and the thought that hot days and warm nights are a whole February (hell), March and April away, destroys all desire to continue in false livelihood. I long for a warmer life, when i can be myself- not the cold, uninspired and indefferent person that I am witnessing myself become. By life i mean the world around me, not just my condition on Earth.
Do i miss Nice? Yes. Why? Because "you don't know what you've got til its gone"...
Do i miss what it has become? No. I no longer have a home there. In fact, pretty soon, I'll feel myself transform into an official nomad, and i don't care for that, thankyouverymuch. I want to have a home to go to when i leave London (the place I will never allude to as a home, but merely as a place of "constant" residence) ....and no mom, prividing me with a flat in Belgrade will not fill the empty hole. The traditions that we gave up on, after so many movings, packings, unpackings, are what I miss. When was the last time we had a *normal* (normal is such an overstated concept, but still) life? Perhaps when we still lived in Belgrade, or in the house in Vienna, or maybe even the flat. It defnietely became 'out of the ordinairy' in Nice, when our family first split into two- by Marko moving next door; and then into three- by me moving following him. It doesn't matter that the whole floor was ours, as it is irrelevant that the hotel is "ours". These was never any sense of a home atmosphere in either of those. And why? Because a sense of communion is needed in order for someone to call a house a home. Being together 24/7 is not a stimulant to a sense of belonging...being apart is. You need to be away from someone in order to miss them, so perhaps it is the fact that for once since we left Belgrade, life in Nice was the perfect opposrtunity for us to live as a "normal" family, with dad not being away for 2 out of 4 weeks i na month. Yet, this goal was a failure from the start, since it is impossible to make up for the absence of someone in the past, by trying to saturate the present with their presence. Being together all the time did no one too much good. THAT is the reason why it's not working out now and it is what needs to be changed when you, mom and dad, decide to *settle* somewhere for the final time. Do something with your lives- "God" knows, you deserve it.
What should I do out of my life? The first thought that springs to mind is move out of this place...leave forever to the one place I can call my sanctuary ~Brazil~. Practically though, if i had a choice of moving anywhere right now, it would be somewhere where the sun shines predominantly and I don't need to wear layers and layers of clothing, only to realize that the cold comes from within. The disdain of the misery found here, where people have the opportunity to have everything, is what makes me so cold. Happiness is relative; money is absolute. The two aren't always correlated. Yes, money is needed for the essentials, but what money can buy eternal sun in London? I guess I'll have to make enough of it either way, so as to continue my search for more answers.
Please *wOrLd* do not worry, for i am not in yet another state of depression. Well, not for now. What i would do without certain elements in life, is beyond me. Those elements being: the trust in finding the *right* way through destiny's labyrinth, my other half: MaRiJa, my camera to record memories which I might otherwise forget, true friends, and happiness...or the pursuit thereof.
It would be a lie to say that I am always happy, but the thought of being in this very state is enough to give me the strength to continue and a reason to respond with a "i'm great, my day is going well, thanx" to people when asked "how are you?"
Until now I have always simply assumed that winter is not "my time"; that as soon as the temperatures hit anything above 15 degrees, my will to life and adventure will awaken, as if from a long wintersleep. But right now we're only in January, and the thought that hot days and warm nights are a whole February (hell), March and April away, destroys all desire to continue in false livelihood. I long for a warmer life, when i can be myself- not the cold, uninspired and indefferent person that I am witnessing myself become. By life i mean the world around me, not just my condition on Earth.
Do i miss Nice? Yes. Why? Because "you don't know what you've got til its gone"...
Do i miss what it has become? No. I no longer have a home there. In fact, pretty soon, I'll feel myself transform into an official nomad, and i don't care for that, thankyouverymuch. I want to have a home to go to when i leave London (the place I will never allude to as a home, but merely as a place of "constant" residence) ....and no mom, prividing me with a flat in Belgrade will not fill the empty hole. The traditions that we gave up on, after so many movings, packings, unpackings, are what I miss. When was the last time we had a *normal* (normal is such an overstated concept, but still) life? Perhaps when we still lived in Belgrade, or in the house in Vienna, or maybe even the flat. It defnietely became 'out of the ordinairy' in Nice, when our family first split into two- by Marko moving next door; and then into three- by me moving following him. It doesn't matter that the whole floor was ours, as it is irrelevant that the hotel is "ours". These was never any sense of a home atmosphere in either of those. And why? Because a sense of communion is needed in order for someone to call a house a home. Being together 24/7 is not a stimulant to a sense of belonging...being apart is. You need to be away from someone in order to miss them, so perhaps it is the fact that for once since we left Belgrade, life in Nice was the perfect opposrtunity for us to live as a "normal" family, with dad not being away for 2 out of 4 weeks i na month. Yet, this goal was a failure from the start, since it is impossible to make up for the absence of someone in the past, by trying to saturate the present with their presence. Being together all the time did no one too much good. THAT is the reason why it's not working out now and it is what needs to be changed when you, mom and dad, decide to *settle* somewhere for the final time. Do something with your lives- "God" knows, you deserve it.
What should I do out of my life? The first thought that springs to mind is move out of this place...leave forever to the one place I can call my sanctuary ~Brazil~. Practically though, if i had a choice of moving anywhere right now, it would be somewhere where the sun shines predominantly and I don't need to wear layers and layers of clothing, only to realize that the cold comes from within. The disdain of the misery found here, where people have the opportunity to have everything, is what makes me so cold. Happiness is relative; money is absolute. The two aren't always correlated. Yes, money is needed for the essentials, but what money can buy eternal sun in London? I guess I'll have to make enough of it either way, so as to continue my search for more answers.
Please *wOrLd* do not worry, for i am not in yet another state of depression. Well, not for now. What i would do without certain elements in life, is beyond me. Those elements being: the trust in finding the *right* way through destiny's labyrinth, my other half: MaRiJa, my camera to record memories which I might otherwise forget, true friends, and happiness...or the pursuit thereof.
It would be a lie to say that I am always happy, but the thought of being in this very state is enough to give me the strength to continue and a reason to respond with a "i'm great, my day is going well, thanx" to people when asked "how are you?"
posted by FrOmDeSeRtToSeA at 1/24/2005 01:20:00 AM
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