fragmented
Nothing seems to be 'absolute' anymore...was it ever? I suppose; or perhaps it was so well disguised, that it didn't matter all that much. Not anymore though. I feel as though everything from my thoughts, to my friends and family, to academia, and even my life in general is so scattered, that I stand at a crossroads of a thousand intersections, not knowing which to pick. I still know my destination, but the direction I need to take seems to have blurred itself.
MaHiE speaks of "merely existing" in London...and i can concur, sadly enough. It feels as though our lives are controlled by some outside force, that's not 'gOd' and not quite one specific human (i.e. boss) either. It feels as though work is taking over, yet procrastination results from only working too hard and playing too little. The balance I once could safely depend upon between work and play, family and friends, lacks these days. As a LiBrA, this is more problematic then it seems because there is the factor of "choice" that must be implremented, in order for me to get out of this mess. And it is SO clear by now that choices are not something I enjoy making. So, that's to be done? Shall is sit back and just "exist"? Can I do anything about this 'state'?
Now the optimist in me would say "get up of your lazy ass and do something about it; no one will bring you flowers....you must plant them for yourself." Yet something is pulling me back. What is it?
LSE? -Not really, it just adds onto the misery because I know I'm not enjoying it as much as I should be..
Friends? - Nope, as without those, I wouldn't be here anymore. However, there is something about my friendships in London that bothers me (and not just slightly). I don't have a distint group of people I can hang out with at the same time. There's always something I have to forego, someone I have to disappoint. "Torn" would be my theme song in this therapy session, as no tangable sense of communion is to be found. I feel as though I merely hang out with people I like...does this make us friends? Not really; it makes us 'buddies' (as much as i hate that term). How much do i have in common with some of them? Not much- i like them for being individuals and knowning who they are. I can probably count the number of people I can truely call friends in one hand...and perhaps not even fill it. The rest are people I appreciate, but have no time to get to know; or if i have gotten to know them already, then it's a matter of not having enough in common to honestly call what we have a 'close' friendship. I am lucky though, for one handfull of gold is always better then a bagfull of fluff.
Family- Yes, but we've already discussed this.
"Him"- or the missing element, yes perhaps. Miraculously enough though: HiM is no longer the one I LoVeD (notice the "D")...it is the general lack of interest in anyone. It is the fact that i have no time or energy to take anything seriously. Am i interested in anyone? Perhaps, but i cant do anything about it...why? fear of loss. Probably the reason why i don't behave like myself these days anymore. I dunno. I guess it's got something to do with the "phase". There are far too many complicated relationships as it is; in the case of HiM, there's no new 'simple' game to play.
London- YES. My-so-called-life here is something that even I can't define. I go through each and every day 'living' under the control of my aGenDa; skipping from meeting to class to meeting to lecture to gym to meeting to home (to party). My friends elsewhere ask me what i do in my spare time, and i ask: "what spare time?" As Mahie already pointed out: every minute spent of "spare time" feels like a galloon of guilt spilt over my head. Am i a workoholic? I don't think so...it's not that i enjoy doing that much work; it's that i must. I want to escape... where? to a place I can call home (which is inexistant) or a sanctuary where the weather permits me to sit in front of the waves and ponder (this means that the weather conditions permit such a state of nirvana); or play cards on that same beach with those i treasure most...some of whom just dont know how essential they are.
I really think that it's the weather.
MaHiE speaks of "merely existing" in London...and i can concur, sadly enough. It feels as though our lives are controlled by some outside force, that's not 'gOd' and not quite one specific human (i.e. boss) either. It feels as though work is taking over, yet procrastination results from only working too hard and playing too little. The balance I once could safely depend upon between work and play, family and friends, lacks these days. As a LiBrA, this is more problematic then it seems because there is the factor of "choice" that must be implremented, in order for me to get out of this mess. And it is SO clear by now that choices are not something I enjoy making. So, that's to be done? Shall is sit back and just "exist"? Can I do anything about this 'state'?
Now the optimist in me would say "get up of your lazy ass and do something about it; no one will bring you flowers....you must plant them for yourself." Yet something is pulling me back. What is it?
LSE? -Not really, it just adds onto the misery because I know I'm not enjoying it as much as I should be..
Friends? - Nope, as without those, I wouldn't be here anymore. However, there is something about my friendships in London that bothers me (and not just slightly). I don't have a distint group of people I can hang out with at the same time. There's always something I have to forego, someone I have to disappoint. "Torn" would be my theme song in this therapy session, as no tangable sense of communion is to be found. I feel as though I merely hang out with people I like...does this make us friends? Not really; it makes us 'buddies' (as much as i hate that term). How much do i have in common with some of them? Not much- i like them for being individuals and knowning who they are. I can probably count the number of people I can truely call friends in one hand...and perhaps not even fill it. The rest are people I appreciate, but have no time to get to know; or if i have gotten to know them already, then it's a matter of not having enough in common to honestly call what we have a 'close' friendship. I am lucky though, for one handfull of gold is always better then a bagfull of fluff.
Family- Yes, but we've already discussed this.
"Him"- or the missing element, yes perhaps. Miraculously enough though: HiM is no longer the one I LoVeD (notice the "D")...it is the general lack of interest in anyone. It is the fact that i have no time or energy to take anything seriously. Am i interested in anyone? Perhaps, but i cant do anything about it...why? fear of loss. Probably the reason why i don't behave like myself these days anymore. I dunno. I guess it's got something to do with the "phase". There are far too many complicated relationships as it is; in the case of HiM, there's no new 'simple' game to play.
London- YES. My-so-called-life here is something that even I can't define. I go through each and every day 'living' under the control of my aGenDa; skipping from meeting to class to meeting to lecture to gym to meeting to home (to party). My friends elsewhere ask me what i do in my spare time, and i ask: "what spare time?" As Mahie already pointed out: every minute spent of "spare time" feels like a galloon of guilt spilt over my head. Am i a workoholic? I don't think so...it's not that i enjoy doing that much work; it's that i must. I want to escape... where? to a place I can call home (which is inexistant) or a sanctuary where the weather permits me to sit in front of the waves and ponder (this means that the weather conditions permit such a state of nirvana); or play cards on that same beach with those i treasure most...some of whom just dont know how essential they are.
I really think that it's the weather.
posted by FrOmDeSeRtToSeA at 1/30/2005 03:19:00 PM
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